Why is "Love for the sun" in this blog, not the other one?

Listen while reading: Foo Fighters The Pretender
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBjQ9tuuTJQ&list=RDSBjQ9tuuTJQ#t=2






It seems to fit the poetry/ novel pieces/ anime fan rants/ rpg and larp fan rants blog much more.. but it does not.


In Apelsinitiiger/Orange(fruit)tiger the style is highly non-personal.
This baby here, is way personal.



"Love for the sun" is one of my most biographical works ever.



The story starts with me in my tenth grade and him in his eleventh.
An outcast and bullied girl and a man, who walked through the school like a crack in the reality. He just was bigger and more than everything.
Yet very human.
Not noted in the piece, we used to see each other as sort of friends after my graduation and after that had meet-ups once a year, where we would pour out, what had happened between and after just walk our separate ways again.
So.. after having had a crush for an amazing stranger, I got the chance to see the amazing person.
That is where the love came from.
Some of the things I learned about him, that he was a workaholic and overachiever and so I am not surprised about where he has ended up professionally and actually thinking, that he can and will do more... he is one of these people, who can shake the world.
Or maybe it is the old crush speaking.
In time, in my heart a new goal was born. To be his friend.
Someone, who would not drag him down, but would be standing next to him as an equal.
So.. years came and went.
With this goal ...
Let´s say, that in professional life .. his CV outshines me bigtime, but me.. I have changed and grown.
When I used to be this loner living inside my head, making up stories.. I have by now *drafted up*
a novel/trilogy/more and am currently working on expanding it - not only in making the story bigger and more complex, but also converting it into a LARP and RPG setting.

And that because I have been surrounded by good friends, most LARPers and am a LARPer myself too. And my life partner, for 2 years now, is a LARPer and beginner GM too.

LARP and RPG have helped me grow as a person in so many ways, I have cleared out so many of my own problems through the games.

I have become not only a feminist and an open and out speaker about depression and Japan-is-rotten and LARPconverter end -enthusiast, but also:

A Pirate, the only one turned fire dragon

A Demon, the only winged one in Earth´s skies

A Silvershadow, a hotheaded young protector of The Worlds´ balance

And will soon be:

The Pirate Queen of Mytona, soon to be Queen of The First Realm, of all folk silvery and human, rennan and kataar and all else - all of them will bow to me, loyal and satisfied.

So.. with having that one goal in my heart.. I did not become his friend, but became his equal.

I no longer feel tiny.

I feel like a dragon.

And yes, in my Uni the teaches probably tell stories about me. Probably not good ones. I stood up and .. in a polite way, defeated them. Most do not know.. but some teaches recognize me still and the look in their eyes.. hopefully not fear.. puzzlement surely.

So this is me.

Not single and very happy being so.

With an actual meadow of dandelions showing from my fav window, what faces the Sun. All day.

I no longer need him. Nor want him.

But he, the way he was, made me.

And I am thankful.

I would not be here without him.

Nor would Earth have life without Sun.

End of Rant.

Old blog

If interested, check it out:

http://apelsinitiiger.blogspot.com.ee/

Love for the sun

There used to be a young man, larger than life.
There used to be a young woman, a year younger than he, feeling smaller than anything.
She used to be in love with him, he knew.
Was he in love with her? Maybe.
She was insecure and young. Made mistakes. Might have been a pain in his ass, but he never said anything.
He was corrupted, she seemed pure.
He left her.
She was overrun by life.
She changed.
The innocence left unprotected means death or worse.
Good and bad are relative.
The weeds are hard to kill.
She loves dandelions.
Her grandmother used to weed out dandelions mercilessly, they are yellow, a colour of whores, she used to say.
Her daughter had two children with a married man.
The young woman was her daughter´s daughter.
The young woman loves dandelions. They are like the sun to her and she loves the sun.
In time she accepted, that he and she is never going to be.
She learned to love him. Loves him like she loves the sun.
She changed.
Instead of breaking her, the world let her change.
You can not see, but she does not only have a backbone, but scythes growing from her bones and fire as her blood.
She found love, she became loved.
She now has a home.
She now has a view to a meadow of dandelions from her favourite window.
She loves weeds.
Everything has a place and value in this world.
She has found hers.
She grew larger than life.
Thanks to him.
Her sun.
 

Out Of My Mind, Body and Heart, Onto Virtual Paper : Meeting With The Boy, Who Claims He Knows God

The Ranty Occasional. First Edition. Possibility of Crap.

I have this acquittance, and I had heard him say it before, that he has had an spiritual experience, that he has met God. At first, I brushed it off - people are different, have different beliefs and hell yeah, I was adopted by a witch in my early twenties and have a shaman for a little brother. But something drastic, to me, happened last night. We were talking on that subject, sort of just chit chat, including me and my living partner, an atheist, sort of joked, that some Christians say, that Harry Potter is evil, and he said, that yeah, in a way it propagates evil. ...And in the spur of the moment I mentioned my spiritual encounter - what just might be a sign of mental illness, I do not deny - and my novel bot The King of Angels. And he said, that you know what, Angels have no kings, but demons do. When I tried to get more info, he blocked me, like I do not want to talk about it-style. And said something like you should not get into it - like a specialist talking to a commoner. A bit later he went on, that he has looked into quantum physics and stuff and has received so much info about ... connections to God? The True Nature Of It All? ... Honestly, perceived by me as giving off the feeling, that oh, I am so smart, you can not touch me because all of my knowledge, which You Do Not Have. And added, if I want to know that stuff, that he knows, I should read the books and stuff. A bit of a break: Bill Maher, The Best of Religion Stand Up (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvzD_q-eGoo40:14). “I don´t know”: “Why would you believe, what some other human being, who´s brain, I promise you, is no bigger nor better than than your, he tells you, he knows, what happens, when you die”. Or that the angels in my book may be demons, because oh, angels have no king, but demons do.

And yes, it all got mi fired up. I have this safety valve, what snaps, when someone tries to control me, aka tell me what is what, what I should write or read. Because I have had a load of that shit in my past, when my self-esteem was stripped low and I actually took it. The years and life in between have made me the opposite: a sign of behaviour like that and the red light is on. To me, anyone or anyone who tries to control how others are perceiving the world and how they are acting - of course, telling not to kill and to follow the f*cking Highway Code are things, some people hear, but do not follow and so.. lots of bodies, now dead .. and oh, social moral code, telling not to be an asshole - is wrong, down in the base/root concept and the people who try to, who think they are obliged, privileged to do so.. have screws loose. And as you might have understood from the last long sentence, I approve things, what have evolved to protect and to help people coexist.. like the Highway Code, but I do not accept a guy, who has delusions of meeting God telling me, that he is a opinion leader on the topic of .. what? Just read the Maher quote again.

We had a heated messed up argument too the other day. I guess I messed it up too, because .. I wanted to feed him info on the novel he had defined, without ever reading it, based on maybe 10 words, max 20. I wanted to give him more than 20! To make him realise, that he should know something, before he starts to define! it. And also, I did not tell him, that my question about my world of Angels being possible was a tiny joke, not that I believe in it. I think of it as a story. A mental experience, what probably is a sign of mental illness and yes, I haz it - depression with mother´s milk and probably some else too - And I am Not Denying. And so he thought that I am trying to get him to validate my experience to.. be on par with his? When I was actually trying to flunk his right to define me, to control my content. So wrong. Why do I need .. a validation from a co-nut, who hs not got far enough to realise, that he his one of many with an experience and not a pinnacle nor leader.. reminds me of Igor Volke - look him up. Oh and he pissed me off by starting to call me names.. Wuss. Right back at you.

And so this piece, of probable shit, was born. A part of verbal metabolism, to get stuff out, before it becomes poison. Welcome to the world of “If You Want To Be An Asshole In Private, To Not Piss Me Off, I´m A Writer”. And bye. Enough of this crap.